Is stress creating conflict in your life?

by Kim Humphrey, Executive Director
Community Mediation Center of Southeast Virginia http://www.conflictcrushers.org/



While conflict is a normal part of life, it can be difficult to handle and can affect us emotionally and physically. Conflict often happens because different people perceive the same situation in many ways and people act according to their reality.

Conflict is not always necessarily negative; in fact conflict can be positive as it often creates opportunities for change. We each have an individual style of dealing with conflict. No style is always right or wrong and each has its own pros & cons.

The Competing style is the “my way or the highway” approach. If you are a “competer”, you may make quick decisions, but often you also may bump heads with your counterparts.

The Avoiding style evades the conflict so that nobody’s needs are satisfied. Sometimes conflicts will resolve on their own over time; however many situations require a more direct approach.

The Accommodating style often sacrifices your own concerns to satisfy the needs of others. You’ll make a lot of friends, but might get overwhelmed in the process of trying to please everyone.

The Compromising style seeks to find a settlement that only partially satisfies both people’s concerns. This usually happens faster than collaboration, but might not address all of the underlying needs.

The Collaborating style seeks win-win resolutions that completely satisfy both people’s needs. This takes longer, but often yields better results.

Using effective communication skills can help deescalate most situations. Use reflective listening skills when communicating with others which is simply restating what you have heard to eliminate any misunderstanding.
o It sounds like ____________
o Because ______________

Do not use blaming language by starting statements with “you”.
o Start with this formula
 I feel ___________________
 When I __________________
 Because ________________
 And I need ______________

Example: I feel uncomfortable when I don’t know the deadline because I can’t plan my time and I need to know what the expectation is for completing this assignment.

Other helpful tips include:
o Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t give mixed messages. We cannot expect others to read our minds.
o If you are in a heated conflict with someone, take a break from the discussion. It is more likely to be productive when both of you have calmed down a little.
o Stick to the topic when dealing with a conflict instead of bringing up old issues in the past.
o Stay positive. Tell the other person what you do want, not what you don’t want. (Example: ‘I really would like you to ask me before you trim the hedges that border both of our yards.’ Instead of ‘Don’t cut the hedges with out talking to me first.’)

To learn more about conflict resolution tools, visit http://www.conflictcrushers.org/ or call Kim Humphrey at 757-480-2777 ext. 250.

Since 1990, the Community Mediation Center of Southeastern Virginia (CMC) has provided quality education and services that enable youth, families, individuals, organizations, businesses, and communities to effectively resolve, reduce and prevent conflict. The Center is a non-profit organization and a United Way Community Partner. a member of the Virginia Association for Community Conflict Resolution (VACCR), and the National Association for Community Mediation. The CMC provides Peer Mediation Programs to youth, as well as teaches class certified by the Virginia Supreme Court Office of Dispute Resolution for individuals who want to certify as a court mediator.